Hi LFs 🔥
Welcome back to this week in Love Futurism as we explore Part III on Healthy Adult Attachment.
I’ve previously written about Relational Intelligence (RQ) breaking down various forms of Empathy. Let’s continue where we left off and add a lil zhuzh to our discussion on relating.
Making and Returning a Bid
The aim of healthy relating is to build trust. (Read more on Trust)
It’s extremely well documented by the Gottman Institute that trust is built not by grand gestures but by the everyday micro-moments in which you practice attunement with your partner.
When we come to our relationships, OPEN, with a need, a feeling, or a truth — the natural hope is that something inside the other person awakens.
A reciprocal program in their system activates: the part that says, I can feel with you. I can meet you here. You make sense to me.
Example:
Partner A, “I felt lonely last night.”
Partner B, “I get that. I missed you too.”
In the Gottman lexicon, when one partner makes a bid for connection (a reach for attention, affection, connection or understanding), the response is called a “turn” as in “turning towards” These micro-interactions have the power to strengthen or damage the invisible neural pathways of trust in your relationships
Turns come in three types:
Turning toward (responding positively or engaging)
Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
Turning against (responding irritably or critically)
Partner A bid: Sharing a vulnerable emotion/truth
Partner B turn towards: Validation, Empathy and going one step further to communicate mutual feelings
Partner B turn away: Changing the subject, staying silent, scrolling on their phone, or offering no acknowledgment of the vulnerability
Partner B turn against: Criticizing, mocking, dismissing, blaming, or using the vulnerability against them
As humans we want to know that we “make sense” to the people around us. We derive our identity, stability, reality and psychological safety from social experiences. If you continually miss bids, or actively turn away or against, you are damaging this felt sense of safety in your relationships.
This invisible damage leads to attachment injuries which accumulate over time leading to betrayal, unhappy marriages and divorce.
Making and Receiving Bids
Let’s take a closer look at these sample bids and what turning toward actually sounds like in everyday moments:
Bid for Affection
Bid: “Can I have a hug?” or simply leaning in for touch.
Deeper message: “I need comfort and reassurance.”
Turning Toward: Pause and offer physical warmth back — hug, hold, touch — even for a moment.
Bid for Appreciation
Bid: “Did you notice I cleaned the kitchen?”
Deeper message: “I want to feel seen and valued.”
Turning Toward: “I did, thank you. It makes a big difference when you do that.”
Bid for Emotional Validation
Bid: “I’ve been feeling anxious lately.”
Deeper message: “Can you meet me with empathy instead of fixing me?”
Turning Toward: “That makes sense. I know things have been stressful lately — I’m here.”
Bid for Support
Bid: “I have such a long week ahead.”
Deeper message: “Can you help lighten the load or just listen?”
Turning Toward: “How can I make it easier for you this week?”
Bid for Attention
Bid: “Look at this meme!” or “Guess what happened today!”
Deeper message: “I want to share something small but meaningful with you.”
Turning Toward: Set down your phone and engage — even briefly. “That’s hilarious!” or “Tell me more.”
Bid for Reassurance
Bid: “Are we okay?” or “Do you still love me?”
Deeper message: “I’m feeling insecure — remind me that I’m safe with you.”
Turning Toward: “We’re okay. I love you, and I know we’ll work through this.”
Bid for Shared Meaning
Bid: “Remember when we first moved in together?”
Deeper message: “Let’s reconnect to our story — the ‘us’ that feels special.”
Turning Toward: “I do. That was such an exciting time — look how far we’ve come.”
Bid for Peace
Bid: Silence after conflict or a sigh that says “I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Deeper message: “Can we come back to calm?”
Turning Toward: “I don’t want to fight either. Let’s take a breath and start fresh.”
Bid for Curiosity
Bid: “What do you think about…?”
Deeper message: “I want to know your inner world.”
Turning Toward: “That’s a great question. Here’s what comes up for me…”
Bid for Admiration
Bid: “I finally finished that project!”
Deeper message: “I want you to be proud of me.”
Turning Toward: “That’s amazing. You’ve worked so hard — I’m really proud of you.”
According to the Gottman Institute’s research, the average couple misses about 50% of each other’s bids for connection. Happy couples turn towards bids roughly 86% of the time. Distressed couples turn towards only about 33% of bids.
When bids for connection are continually missed, trust erodes. Each ignored or overlooked moment sends the message “I’m not available for you,” leading partners to stop reaching out and start protecting themselves instead. Over time, this creates emotional distance, loneliness, and what Gottman calls negative sentiment override, when even neutral moments are filtered through frustration or hurt. The nervous system begins to anticipate rejection rather than safety, and the relationship gradually loses its sense of shared meaning. In short, missed bids accumulate as microfractures in the foundation of love, quietly weakening the bond that trust depends on.
So my love-futurist-friends, my hope for you this week is that you not only turn toward the bids that come your way, but also begin to make more of them yourself.
Reach out for connection. Let yourself be seen. Help your partner succeed at answering your bids by being clear and truthful about what you need and want.
xo,
Lindsay